sugarblast

So having said all that, what the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with all these guys? It's heartbreaking. I'm heartbroken that I'm still alone, still living with my parents, still looking for meaningless affection to numb some of the loneliness. I am upset about the hippie, but only because I really thought that something good was going to happen with us. I thought I was getting close to the real thing. Things are so tricky. Just when I thought I'd found a soul mate, I'd really just found a nut job. I don't wanna go on and on about what was wrong with him. He just wasn't the one for me. There's only one guy for me. Where is he?!

Alright, so the hippie sucked after all. The date we had planned was canceled inadvertently. I won't get into the details of what went down (mainly because I don't understand what the problem was), but there was some breakdown in our conversations that was just impassable. He liked to talk a lot about his ideals and principles and beliefs. You know, I have ideals and principles and beliefs too, but I just live them. I don't have to constantly spout about them so people know where I stand. Kind of ridiculous. And even with all his righteousness, he didn't seem to understand much about forgiveness or love or kindness. He talked all about how when someone crossed him, he was done with them forever. Or if someone made a racist comment in front of him, then he was done with him forever. He's going to have a very lonely life, isn't he? I don't want any part of it. I'm glad our little tizzy only lasted for 3 days.

I feel like a cliché . But I met someone. We talked until 2:30a last night about music...and a few other things. I can't wait to talk to him again. He's a hippie. I'd rather sit in a bar full of strangers and act a fool than stay home and deal with my demons.

The more I have opportunities for one night stands, the more I realize I'm no longer interested in casual relationships. I don't think I ever was actually. I just always hoped that the casual relationship would turn into something permanent. I've had opportunities to kiss 3 different boys this week and I didn't do it. And that's not like me. But one of them is Ernie and I want to kiss him so badly. But I don't want to just fool around with him. I want something real with someone. I know that Ernie obviously is not the one (he is irresistible, though). So I'm just lonely and my life is changing and I'm "figuring out who I am." I'm tired. I will just enjoy getting to know myself. I do like me.

I've been going to the bar alot of nights a week. For the social scene, right? That's one thing. It's not the being drunk that I like so much. I just want to talk to people and make new friends. I'm looking for love, is really what it boils down to. But I'm not finding anything. The moment you stop looking...really stop looking...is when it happens for you. I'm about to go crazy with all this. I want to stop looking, stop thinking about this but I just can't arrange my head correctly.