sugarblast

It was hard to wake up this morning. The alarm was incorporated into my dreams, although I can't tell you the subject matter anymore. I could have this morning. They disappate throughout the day. I was hurting bad enough that I considered not going to work, but I have a loyalty to my team, and I don't want to make them look bad. I want to physically show up as much as I possibly can.  Getting to my desk this morning was a struggle, although I did manage to make it there with a Cookie Butter Cappuccino from the breakroom. With a swirl of caramel sauce on top. If nothing else, that fancy machine has helped much in motivating me to get to the office.  When I had disposable money, I worked through this pain much better.  I scheduled a meeting for 10 AM with a few members of my operations team. I want them to build a tool for me that tracks hours for a job. If this works out well, we'll be able to use it for other jobs and it would be a boone to our project management team. If...

 I set the timer. Here we go. I don't have anything to say. But I have enough of a buzz to try. There's not a topic in mind. I'll just write to fill the time. The timer is running. Running. Ticking. Tocking. I'm using that Reading playlist again. It takes me to a different place. Rascal is on her dog bed. There's a weed tooter between my boobs. Nestled in my cleavage. I have a glass of red wine beside me. If I want to smoke a cigarette, I will have to roll some. I'm all out. I'll let this first five minutes be this train of thought word vomit. Tomorrow I want to meet with Nick about recently updated work instructions so we can use some of the updates for Workshop Wednesday. The peer review checklist may need to be mentioned in the catalog cuts work instruction. I may just slip it in there without getting widespread approval. I'm sure that will be fine. I've been doing better at capitalization. I'm gonna roll those cigarettes now.  I have a date t...

Today has been a nothing day. I was anxious to write a few minutes ago but things turned around in a hurry. Now that I have the laptop, I've lost my inspiration. I feel like a sad sack all of a sudden. I want to be existential, talk about deep things. Not shallowness or pop culture. None of my thoughts are like I want them right now.  Maybe that's the thing: I get to choose what I think about.  My friends. That's what I chose. I don't think that's a bad call. Just did a quick check in with a few  of them. I want to invest in my friendships more. The ones that are valuable to me. Let go of all these shallow relationships.  Timer started. Cigarette lit. Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg on the speaker. I still like the radio. Keeps me on my toes. We've gotten musically spoiled where we can curate what we want in our ears, skip when something offends. With the radio, you gotta take what you're given.  Keep pushing through the timer. There are more things to say. If a ge...

I coughed a lot today. I didn't come in from smoking until 7:30. And I woke up coughing. I don't want to do this anymore. But it's all I want to do.  Five minutes:  I got a raise today. Super stoked about that.  I don't think I'm cut out to be in a child's life. I'm much too sensitive about their behavior. I take things personally that I know I shouldn't. [girl child] was supposed to come over tomorrow but now [man friend] says she probably won't if she sleeps late. I think he heard the disappointment in my voice when he told me she wasn't coming. So maybe he will talk her into it. Or let her know I sounded disappointed. But either way, I shouldn't take it personally that she'd rather sleep late than come over. I feel that way a lot. I called her a child - she's 18 now.   Timer's Done... I'm digging my space and my peace and my time alone. Rascal has been really bed happy these past weeks. I think she may be ovulating. She get...

If I had a teenager, I hope I would be the kind of parent that would say "yes" to a board game every time.  It never gets old, playing a board game with your family. I do it with my parents still. And with my cousins and aunts and uncles. Sometimes with my friends.  Tonight, for the first time maybe, I felt good here in my house alone. There's a reading playlist playing (light classical piano type stuff), I'm smoking a little weed, I have a glass of wine. I'm trying to read a book, although, I'm admittedly distracted by my contentment.  The Cigarette Case I'm with you most of the time. I know you like be because of my plastic blue jewel, but i'm classy just the same. I make you feel like you're a flapper from the twenties, frequenting speakeasys and discovering cocaine.  There's no one else I'd rather be with, you know. You take a lot of pride in me and I feel that. I have a place of honor in your life and your routine.  But there will come...

 No rushing / no fixing / no censoring There is a truth about me that I keep circling, but I haven't let myself land on yet.  I need to do laundry if I want to have pants to wear tomorrow.  If I were sitting here with no laptop, I would be thinking all sorts of abstract thoughts to jot down. But now that I have an outlet to drop thoughts, I think stupid things like, "my sweater is purple." Leah is studying the Bible again. I'm a little jealous only because it was so fun to take notes and fill a notebook with inspiration and tears and stuff. that's what i'm trying to do here. just need a kickstart.  The prompt (above in italics) makes me think of Dumbo and the Secret of NIMH and the Guardians of Ga'hoole. Owls. and flying elephants. Let's see about owls. they're in the running for a tattoo.  Owls are dualistic figures, symbolizing wisdom, prophecy, and  divine messengers  (like with Greek goddess Athena) but also death, witchcraft, and bad omens in ...

Write from the body, not the brain:   my body feels empty, alone. i hate that negative words are my instinct.  I am neither empty nor alone.  i do feel as if i'm atrophying and need flex this muscle. Writing, I mean.  i don't care if i'm good at it.  my mind feels foggy and hazy. i'm often in a fog of pain. it feels like a fog. i'm pretty adjusted to it, but sometimes the fog gets too thick. makes it so functioning normally is difficult.  I'd love a word counter feature on this blogger.  Is anyone reading blogs anymore? Sometimes i have thoughts worth saving but i can't get to a scribe quickly enough.  All i want to do is smoke. I just put out a cigarette so i could type with both hands and i immediately want to light another one.  I can feel my legs tingling tonight. I did take several hits off a pipe. I should take another. Maybe it's making me feel good. It's hard to tell.  The Unsent Letter The prompt is telling me to write a letter ...