sugarblast

so sad. so lonely. i just wanna get it all out of me. who can I cry to? who cares how I feel inside? it aches. it burns. when will this feeling end? when did it begin? how long have I been choking this feeling down. the longer I choke it down, the longer it will be until I can get rid of it. i never want to be the girl who has to have a pity party, but it looks like I can't avoid it. I don't have anyone to hold me, anyone to care. I miss Kevin. I

Lord, please help me not to be distracted right now. Give me 20 minutes at the very least. There are these secret chambers to my heart. I've been blocking the entranceways with furniture so no one can get in there an see what's going on. And in the meantime, everything in those chambers is rotting and rusting and growing more and more

So having said all that, what the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with all these guys? It's heartbreaking. I'm heartbroken that I'm still alone, still living with my parents, still looking for meaningless affection to numb some of the loneliness. I am upset about the hippie, but only because I really thought that something good was going to happen with us. I thought I was getting close to the real thing. Things are so tricky. Just when I thought I'd found a soul mate, I'd really just found a nut job. I don't wanna go on and on about what was wrong with him. He just wasn't the one for me. There's only one guy for me. Where is he?!

Alright, so the hippie sucked after all. The date we had planned was canceled inadvertently. I won't get into the details of what went down (mainly because I don't understand what the problem was), but there was some breakdown in our conversations that was just impassable. He liked to talk a lot about his ideals and principles and beliefs. You know, I have ideals and principles and beliefs too, but I just live them. I don't have to constantly spout about them so people know where I stand. Kind of ridiculous. And even with all his righteousness, he didn't seem to understand much about forgiveness or love or kindness. He talked all about how when someone crossed him, he was done with them forever. Or if someone made a racist comment in front of him, then he was done with him forever. He's going to have a very lonely life, isn't he? I don't want any part of it. I'm glad our little tizzy only lasted for 3 days.

I feel like a cliché . But I met someone. We talked until 2:30a last night about music...and a few other things. I can't wait to talk to him again. He's a hippie. I'd rather sit in a bar full of strangers and act a fool than stay home and deal with my demons.

The more I have opportunities for one night stands, the more I realize I'm no longer interested in casual relationships. I don't think I ever was actually. I just always hoped that the casual relationship would turn into something permanent. I've had opportunities to kiss 3 different boys this week and I didn't do it. And that's not like me. But one of them is Ernie and I want to kiss him so badly. But I don't want to just fool around with him. I want something real with someone. I know that Ernie obviously is not the one (he is irresistible, though). So I'm just lonely and my life is changing and I'm "figuring out who I am." I'm tired. I will just enjoy getting to know myself. I do like me.

I've been going to the bar alot of nights a week. For the social scene, right? That's one thing. It's not the being drunk that I like so much. I just want to talk to people and make new friends. I'm looking for love, is really what it boils down to. But I'm not finding anything. The moment you stop looking...really stop looking...is when it happens for you. I'm about to go crazy with all this. I want to stop looking, stop thinking about this but I just can't arrange my head correctly.

I could fall in love with him so quickly. His touch is so good, so attentive. And our signs are completely compatible. Apparently, Gemini's perfect matches are Libras and Aquariuses. He's a Libra. This is what the zodiac compatibility thing says: Gemini and Libra love compatibility These two air signs are well suited intellectually and every other way. It is difficult for the representatives of both signs to control their passions. If love makes this world spinning around then this couple gives an initial push for it. This is an ideal partnership. Both favor similar changes of interests. In the case of this pair, Libra is the judge and Gemini is the responsive jury in the nuptial courthouse. The combination's intellectual and artistic interests are compatible. Both sides of the Gemini nature will be under stood by the Libra. Both of them are passionate and nobody is too jealous at the same time . They characters have a lot in common , and they perfectly understand eac...

Alright, what the hell. I told him I was looking to get serious and settle down. And he said he didn't want to do that right now. And I knew that. And then tonight he asked me for my e-mail address. And i told him Tootsie said hi. and he said hi back. And I said she liked that. And then I said "and I like you" and then he said "i like you too...I'm trying to send you an e-mail. Can you check it?" and i said I could in 20 minutes, i'm on my way home. And when I got home, there was no e-mail. it didn't go through or he didn't send it or something. But I'm dying to know what he has to say. He can't stop thinking about me, right? I think too much. And I want him so badly.

So I didn't say any of those things...because he sat at the table with me and my date and some other drunk people and when he told me that we was also a contracted electrician that moves around a lot and wouldn't be in town for more than a year, I was immediately done with the notion of pursuing anything with him. So I'm back to square one. That's the best square. No boyfriend. No real prospects. This is a good thing. I get to be whoever I want to be. It's very exciting.

"I'm here on a second date....my last date with this guy. But since I saw you in Wal-Mart on Tuesday, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I can't really talk right now, but here are my numbers. Maybe we could get together sometime soon...for dinner or something." I think his name is Chris. He has mechanic hands (I love that). And is always at the pub on his own.

I don't want to be anyone but exactly who I am. The things I want to change about myself, I will change in my own good time. I will not waste time being jealous about what I do not have, about who I am not. I will just be who I am. If I don't like me, I'll change what I don't like. Apparently, that's a hard thing to do.

What a whirl-wind. This boy almost bothers me. But he's honest. And sensitive. And funny. But he'll only be in town for a year. And he has a tattooed wedding ring. I don't like that. He talks alot . I definitely am unsure about this. but he is so affectionate and, what the hell, it's fun for now. He's got a fantastic stature. Kind of a stalky, thick fella with huge tattooed arms. His boys call him Porkchop. I don't call him that. There's so much about him that reminds me of Stephen. He may also have the same drinking problem. He's had 4 DWIs. You know, when I write about boys, almost any boy, I write mostly negative things. And then I end up not sticking with them. So why don't I just quit with these boys that I have so much negative to say about to begin with. I know he isn't the one. I bother because I want the affections and attention and affirmation. Validation. He talks dirty and I like that. He makes me feel sexy and wild and adventurous. V...

I called him tonight and he didn't answer. I know that I've hurt him. I'm really very sorry. But he's not the one for me anyway. I know this. I just feel disappointed in myself for being so deceptive.

So I did it. The weight has been lifted. But now I'm ready to look for a therapist. I've painted my nails black in honor of the loss. I bought bubbles today for the office. That was a good treat. I'm thinking of getting my nose pierced. Just for shock or whatever. I wonder if I'll do it.

Don't look around; look up. Think of Peter on the crashing waves. When did he begin to sink? Matthew 14 (from the Message) 24-26 Meanwhile, the boat was far out to sea when the wind came up against them and they were battered by the waves. At about four o'clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water. They were scared out of their wits. "A ghost!" they said, crying out in terror. 27 But Jesus was quick to comfort them. "Courage, it's me. Don't be afraid." 28 Peter, suddenly bold, said, "Master, if it's really you, call me to come to you on the water." 29-30 He said, "Come ahead." Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, "Master, save me!" 31 Jesus didn't hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, "Faint-heart, what got into you?...

God loves me and using the circumstances in my life (both those I create and those I cannot control) to make me what he wants me to be. He's grooming me for a continued life of service, for an eternity in worship, in flabbergasted awe of his presence. Just relax. My God is right here with me. He's been here all along (what an honor and privilege and thrill that the Holy Spirit would call me a temple, a dwelling-place!). He's not going to leave me or change his mind about things or the way he feels about me. All His promises are true. He cannot lie. God is love and truth and reality. If I would ask God for His perspective more often, He will certain give it to me. Very often, when I allow my mind to wander, my thoughts go straight to the idea of a partner. Very often. I've become pretty convinced that a partner will meet my needs, absolve my loneliness, provide affection and affirmation. I will stop looking around and start looking up. Set your heart on things above. P...

In Africa, I will never forget watching the lady with the broken leg healed walk way with her crutches in hand. Thank you for letting me see that. That delicious passage: Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." This is one of the very many promises of God. God's promises are realities...like cause and effect, action and consequence. If you do this, I (God) will do this. If I go to God , He will give me rest . If I take his yoke upon me and learn from him , he will give rest for your soul . Rest for my soul. I know about a weary soul. So my part is to go to God, take his yoke and learn from him. What does it mean to take his yoke? Since I don't know much about yoking cattle or whatever, I can think of a three-legged race. I can only move as quickly as my partn...

Why would I settle for a life in the swamp when I am an heir to a palace?! I've been complaining and fussing about how God would never really show me this amazing, incredible love that I sing about all the time. Goodness! I wasn't letting him. I had my back turned, my hands up, "I got this on my own." He's loved me all along. And he's been showing me. I've just been ignoring him. And I've been telling him just exactly how I want that love packaged. I've been taking all the spontaneity out of this divine romance that He is so stubbornly pursuing!

I dreamed about Africa night before last. I'm going back.

God wants to bless us, but he cannot while we are living in disobedience. However, now that I've made a terrible mess of my life, after repentance, God can take this mess that I've made and make something beautiful from it. It's amazing the way he does that. I had it made, right in the palm of God's hand. I had never known anything different. But when college came along with loneliness, I learned I didn't have the faith-roots I thought I did. I wasn't prepared for the feeling of abandonment. So when I met a boy with a beer, a cigarette & a smile, he was a welcome friend that became the starting point for a long trudge through the swamp. I'm only climbing out of it tonight. It will take a while to find all the places that need to be cleaned in my life. Oh, examine me, God; show me where the swamp-water festers so I can give it to you to wash clean. So there are the sexual sins, those sins that have real staying power, those sins that have truly physical c...

I like my life. I do. I do feel lonely alot. these past few days haven't been so bad though. I used to go out of my way to do nice things for people alot. I've been neglecting to do that lately because I've felt drained and like someone needed to do something nice for me. I don't feel that way anymore. I can give without needing right now. That's a good feeling. Slump overcome.

(Nothing About Which To Complain? I hate to end the title in a preposition. Did I mention anything about my OCD?) I don't want to stop writing. I have a very good life. I have a good family...except for the jac__ part...I have a good job, health, plenty of money, food, a roof. I don't need anything. If i believe all that, why do I feel so sad sometimes? I don't want to believe it's because I'm lonely. I don't want to be ruled by my emotions. "Circumstances are rulers of the weak and instruments of the wise." I don't know who said that. I don't really care. It's good stuff. My circumstances will not rule me. Nothing about my current circumstance is unfortunate. I have nothing to complain about. I'm so tired I can hardly hold my eyes open. I get so tired of hearing Jas__ talk about himself sometimes. I've been home alone all night tonight and it makes me feel lonely. but i'm at home alone by choice. I wanted this break, but by the...

Pull back. That's what I need to do. I want him to want me but I am much too available. But how can I pull back when I want him so badly? I've got to try. I'll separate myself. If he's always going to be this distant, I don't want him.

you know what's so great about trampolines? they're fun.

i feel all dried up and hollowed out i feel unattractive, too there was a commercial on tv a while ago showing about a girl with acne who wanted to look beautiful on her wedding day. it seems like there are a lot of things that grip me pretty easily and make me cry and cry. even when i'm a bride, will i feel beautiful? R__ doesn't make me feel beautiful. K__ never made me feel beautiful until recently. after I broke up with him, you know. S__ S__ and E__ N__ are the only boys I ever dated that really made me feel beautiful. They loved the way I looked and the told me so all the time. i do alot of things to keep the "front" part of my brain busy. I'm feeling sad again. It comes in such waves and flashes. all i can think to do is try to talk myself out of it. talk myself out of the sad feeling, that is. I don't know if i'll always have the strength or courage to talk myself up. i just hear negative in my ears. no one will ever think you're beautiful. no ...

In order to become the person I want to be, I should act like that person. If I don't like the person I am, I should just stop being that person and begin being the person I want to be. Why don't I just relax and be myself? Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Don't speak against yourself or others; avoid gossip. Always do your best to avoid regret.

About a week ago I made a decision to stop saying "I wish ______." it's just complaining. and complaining doesn't do anything but make me more miserable, not to mention the people around me. Since I've decided to stop "wishing," i'm constantly catching myself doing it. Tonight in the bathtub, i knew what has to be done. I wish... ...I could have repetative orgasms until I threw up & have them begin again when I recovered...I didn't live with my parents anymore...money was abundant...the weight would melt away...that boy would show me how much he likes me...I had more self-restraint...I didn't feel like I have to pretend all the time...I could just relax...I would have waited longer before I decided to have sex...I knew for sure that I don't have a drinking problem...I would quit smoking...I could get high again...I could have sex with my ex...my ex wasn't 20 years older than me and didn't have 6 kids & 3 ex-wives...my bod...