sugarblast

I called him tonight and he didn't answer. I know that I've hurt him. I'm really very sorry. But he's not the one for me anyway. I know this. I just feel disappointed in myself for being so deceptive.

So I did it. The weight has been lifted. But now I'm ready to look for a therapist. I've painted my nails black in honor of the loss. I bought bubbles today for the office. That was a good treat. I'm thinking of getting my nose pierced. Just for shock or whatever. I wonder if I'll do it.

Don't look around; look up. Think of Peter on the crashing waves. When did he begin to sink? Matthew 14 (from the Message) 24-26 Meanwhile, the boat was far out to sea when the wind came up against them and they were battered by the waves. At about four o'clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water. They were scared out of their wits. "A ghost!" they said, crying out in terror. 27 But Jesus was quick to comfort them. "Courage, it's me. Don't be afraid." 28 Peter, suddenly bold, said, "Master, if it's really you, call me to come to you on the water." 29-30 He said, "Come ahead." Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, "Master, save me!" 31 Jesus didn't hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, "Faint-heart, what got into you?...

God loves me and using the circumstances in my life (both those I create and those I cannot control) to make me what he wants me to be. He's grooming me for a continued life of service, for an eternity in worship, in flabbergasted awe of his presence. Just relax. My God is right here with me. He's been here all along (what an honor and privilege and thrill that the Holy Spirit would call me a temple, a dwelling-place!). He's not going to leave me or change his mind about things or the way he feels about me. All His promises are true. He cannot lie. God is love and truth and reality. If I would ask God for His perspective more often, He will certain give it to me. Very often, when I allow my mind to wander, my thoughts go straight to the idea of a partner. Very often. I've become pretty convinced that a partner will meet my needs, absolve my loneliness, provide affection and affirmation. I will stop looking around and start looking up. Set your heart on things above. P...

In Africa, I will never forget watching the lady with the broken leg healed walk way with her crutches in hand. Thank you for letting me see that. That delicious passage: Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." This is one of the very many promises of God. God's promises are realities...like cause and effect, action and consequence. If you do this, I (God) will do this. If I go to God , He will give me rest . If I take his yoke upon me and learn from him , he will give rest for your soul . Rest for my soul. I know about a weary soul. So my part is to go to God, take his yoke and learn from him. What does it mean to take his yoke? Since I don't know much about yoking cattle or whatever, I can think of a three-legged race. I can only move as quickly as my partn...

Why would I settle for a life in the swamp when I am an heir to a palace?! I've been complaining and fussing about how God would never really show me this amazing, incredible love that I sing about all the time. Goodness! I wasn't letting him. I had my back turned, my hands up, "I got this on my own." He's loved me all along. And he's been showing me. I've just been ignoring him. And I've been telling him just exactly how I want that love packaged. I've been taking all the spontaneity out of this divine romance that He is so stubbornly pursuing!

I dreamed about Africa night before last. I'm going back.

God wants to bless us, but he cannot while we are living in disobedience. However, now that I've made a terrible mess of my life, after repentance, God can take this mess that I've made and make something beautiful from it. It's amazing the way he does that. I had it made, right in the palm of God's hand. I had never known anything different. But when college came along with loneliness, I learned I didn't have the faith-roots I thought I did. I wasn't prepared for the feeling of abandonment. So when I met a boy with a beer, a cigarette & a smile, he was a welcome friend that became the starting point for a long trudge through the swamp. I'm only climbing out of it tonight. It will take a while to find all the places that need to be cleaned in my life. Oh, examine me, God; show me where the swamp-water festers so I can give it to you to wash clean. So there are the sexual sins, those sins that have real staying power, those sins that have truly physical c...