sugarblast

I like my life. I do. I do feel lonely alot. these past few days haven't been so bad though. I used to go out of my way to do nice things for people alot. I've been neglecting to do that lately because I've felt drained and like someone needed to do something nice for me. I don't feel that way anymore. I can give without needing right now. That's a good feeling. Slump overcome.

(Nothing About Which To Complain? I hate to end the title in a preposition. Did I mention anything about my OCD?) I don't want to stop writing. I have a very good life. I have a good family...except for the jac__ part...I have a good job, health, plenty of money, food, a roof. I don't need anything. If i believe all that, why do I feel so sad sometimes? I don't want to believe it's because I'm lonely. I don't want to be ruled by my emotions. "Circumstances are rulers of the weak and instruments of the wise." I don't know who said that. I don't really care. It's good stuff. My circumstances will not rule me. Nothing about my current circumstance is unfortunate. I have nothing to complain about. I'm so tired I can hardly hold my eyes open. I get so tired of hearing Jas__ talk about himself sometimes. I've been home alone all night tonight and it makes me feel lonely. but i'm at home alone by choice. I wanted this break, but by the...

Pull back. That's what I need to do. I want him to want me but I am much too available. But how can I pull back when I want him so badly? I've got to try. I'll separate myself. If he's always going to be this distant, I don't want him.

you know what's so great about trampolines? they're fun.

i feel all dried up and hollowed out i feel unattractive, too there was a commercial on tv a while ago showing about a girl with acne who wanted to look beautiful on her wedding day. it seems like there are a lot of things that grip me pretty easily and make me cry and cry. even when i'm a bride, will i feel beautiful? R__ doesn't make me feel beautiful. K__ never made me feel beautiful until recently. after I broke up with him, you know. S__ S__ and E__ N__ are the only boys I ever dated that really made me feel beautiful. They loved the way I looked and the told me so all the time. i do alot of things to keep the "front" part of my brain busy. I'm feeling sad again. It comes in such waves and flashes. all i can think to do is try to talk myself out of it. talk myself out of the sad feeling, that is. I don't know if i'll always have the strength or courage to talk myself up. i just hear negative in my ears. no one will ever think you're beautiful. no ...

In order to become the person I want to be, I should act like that person. If I don't like the person I am, I should just stop being that person and begin being the person I want to be. Why don't I just relax and be myself? Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Don't speak against yourself or others; avoid gossip. Always do your best to avoid regret.

About a week ago I made a decision to stop saying "I wish ______." it's just complaining. and complaining doesn't do anything but make me more miserable, not to mention the people around me. Since I've decided to stop "wishing," i'm constantly catching myself doing it. Tonight in the bathtub, i knew what has to be done. I wish... ...I could have repetative orgasms until I threw up & have them begin again when I recovered...I didn't live with my parents anymore...money was abundant...the weight would melt away...that boy would show me how much he likes me...I had more self-restraint...I didn't feel like I have to pretend all the time...I could just relax...I would have waited longer before I decided to have sex...I knew for sure that I don't have a drinking problem...I would quit smoking...I could get high again...I could have sex with my ex...my ex wasn't 20 years older than me and didn't have 6 kids & 3 ex-wives...my bod...