sugarblast

Hannah felt sad because she hadn’t become pregnant. She felt inadequate as a wife and as a woman in general. She was mocked because of her barrenness but her husband loved her in spite of it. At the peak of her grief, she cried before God, telling him that if he would allow her to become pregnant, she would dedicate the life of the child to the ministry. So here’s barren Hannah, begging God to allow her to have a child. But why? I think that I would be sad to give away the child I’d begged for. If Hannah had been having children all along, she would have never offered to dedicate the life of her miracle baby to ministry. I think that’s why God allowed the barrenness. Is that why I’m alone right now? I certainly can relate with Hannah. Not because I don’t have children, but because I don’t have a partner. Everyone around me is marrying and building families. It makes me very sad that I’m still all alone. But is God creating a rock-bottom for me to hit, so I will de...

so sad. so lonely. i just wanna get it all out of me. who can I cry to? who cares how I feel inside? it aches. it burns. when will this feeling end? when did it begin? how long have I been choking this feeling down. the longer I choke it down, the longer it will be until I can get rid of it. i never want to be the girl who has to have a pity party, but it looks like I can't avoid it. I don't have anyone to hold me, anyone to care. I miss Kevin. I

Lord, please help me not to be distracted right now. Give me 20 minutes at the very least. There are these secret chambers to my heart. I've been blocking the entranceways with furniture so no one can get in there an see what's going on. And in the meantime, everything in those chambers is rotting and rusting and growing more and more

So having said all that, what the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with all these guys? It's heartbreaking. I'm heartbroken that I'm still alone, still living with my parents, still looking for meaningless affection to numb some of the loneliness. I am upset about the hippie, but only because I really thought that something good was going to happen with us. I thought I was getting close to the real thing. Things are so tricky. Just when I thought I'd found a soul mate, I'd really just found a nut job. I don't wanna go on and on about what was wrong with him. He just wasn't the one for me. There's only one guy for me. Where is he?!

Alright, so the hippie sucked after all. The date we had planned was canceled inadvertently. I won't get into the details of what went down (mainly because I don't understand what the problem was), but there was some breakdown in our conversations that was just impassable. He liked to talk a lot about his ideals and principles and beliefs. You know, I have ideals and principles and beliefs too, but I just live them. I don't have to constantly spout about them so people know where I stand. Kind of ridiculous. And even with all his righteousness, he didn't seem to understand much about forgiveness or love or kindness. He talked all about how when someone crossed him, he was done with them forever. Or if someone made a racist comment in front of him, then he was done with him forever. He's going to have a very lonely life, isn't he? I don't want any part of it. I'm glad our little tizzy only lasted for 3 days.

I feel like a cliché . But I met someone. We talked until 2:30a last night about music...and a few other things. I can't wait to talk to him again. He's a hippie. I'd rather sit in a bar full of strangers and act a fool than stay home and deal with my demons.

The more I have opportunities for one night stands, the more I realize I'm no longer interested in casual relationships. I don't think I ever was actually. I just always hoped that the casual relationship would turn into something permanent. I've had opportunities to kiss 3 different boys this week and I didn't do it. And that's not like me. But one of them is Ernie and I want to kiss him so badly. But I don't want to just fool around with him. I want something real with someone. I know that Ernie obviously is not the one (he is irresistible, though). So I'm just lonely and my life is changing and I'm "figuring out who I am." I'm tired. I will just enjoy getting to know myself. I do like me.