Nothing To Complain About

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(Nothing About Which To Complain? I hate to end the title in a preposition. Did I mention anything about my OCD?)


I don't want to stop writing.

I have a very good life. I have a good family...except for the jac__ part...I have a good job, health, plenty of money, food, a roof. I don't need anything. If i believe all that, why do I feel so sad sometimes? I don't want to believe it's because I'm lonely. I don't want to be ruled by my emotions. "Circumstances are rulers of the weak and instruments of the wise." I don't know who said that. I don't really care. It's good stuff. My circumstances will not rule me. Nothing about my current circumstance is unfortunate. I have nothing to complain about.

I'm so tired I can hardly hold my eyes open.

I get so tired of hearing Jas__ talk about himself sometimes.

I've been home alone all night tonight and it makes me feel lonely. but i'm at home alone by choice. I wanted this break, but by the end of it all, i'm feeling completely lousy.

I don't want to be so obsessed about my physical appearance that it takes up a large portion of my thoughts. I want to think about how I can help people around me.

I love the church God's placed me at. I love to see God working in the lives of the socially undesirable.

let's try some word association.

love/work/home/time/calm/take/give no more slashes my toes are curling i hate my braces there'll be a day when I don't need them anymore. my body on this earth will wear out sooner than I think but as i'm going to consecrate it to God, he'll use it as he likes. no matter how worn and tattered. but i want to preserve and protect it like a temple. it's a gift. not everyone has health. television is rotting my brain sometimes i like to watch crime shows but not the gore. i don't like to see human insides. or animal insides. i love my dogs. this night would have been a horrible lonely thing without them. they sometimes annoy me but i'm glad they're here, just the same. why do i insist on watching the same reruns of sitcoms over and over. rotting my brain, i tell you. sometimes when I talk to people I find that I say mostly negative things. i will not continue to be debbie downer. i'm so honored to be a part of the worship team. I hope humility will overtake me. I get too angry at work.

i would like to be a writer, i think. there are alot of "professions" i think i would enjoy and be good at. i would like to be a photographer also. but not as much as a writer. i wish i could write some music. but i feel like i don't really have new music in me. everytime i manage to write something, it always sounds like something i've heard before. that really bothers me. my devotion isn't pure. i would like things to heat up for me so my impurities can rise to the top and be scooped off by my jeweler (???). Jesus, that is.

i know there are words in me that need to come out. i'm just not very well practiced in getting them out. that's what this is. practice. i'll keep it as sort of a journal. online. a little nerve racking as all someone needs to read this stuff is my gmail password, but it's not really very secret stuff, i suppose. just amateur.

i really admire those people who can work with innards: doctors, coroners, cops, EMTs, etc. takes alot of stomach power. is that something? stomach power?

so far, i'm the center of my world. that will no longer be the case.

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