Whispered Lies
i feel all dried up and hollowed out
i feel unattractive, too
there was a commercial on tv a while ago showing about a girl with acne who wanted to look beautiful on her wedding day.
it seems like there are a lot of things that grip me pretty easily and make me cry and cry.
even when i'm a bride, will i feel beautiful?
R__ doesn't make me feel beautiful.
K__ never made me feel beautiful until recently. after I broke up with him, you know.
S__ S__ and E__ N__ are the only boys I ever dated that really made me feel beautiful.
They loved the way I looked and the told me so all the time.
i do alot of things to keep the "front" part of my brain busy.
I'm feeling sad again.
It comes in such waves and flashes.
all i can think to do is try to talk myself out of it.
talk myself out of the sad feeling, that is.
I don't know if i'll always have the strength or courage to talk myself up.
i just hear negative in my ears.
no one will ever think you're beautiful.
no one will ever think you're the most important person in their life.
you aren't special to anyone but your parents.
no man will ever find you attractive because you're so hairy and chubby.
you don't smell good usually.
no one thinks i'm important.
why do i believe these lies?
i tried to exercise and i just pulled muscles in my back and had a miserable week because of it.
God's timing is perfect.
Why do I feel like it's never going to happen for me?
I talk myself out of feeling this way at least twice a week.
When will I level out?
I feel so silly and irresponsible with my time.
i sit around feeling sorry for myself far too often.
where is that getting me?
no where no where.
if that's all I do with myself right now, where will i be when that one does come along?
Who will I be?
if i sit around moping, that's all i'm going to become: a moper.
if i sit around and learn and create and make myself a better person.
and learn how to live the way Jesus showed us to live.
in touch with reality.
in touch with reality and God.
God is reality.
in touch with reality.
in touch with God.
Knowing who God is because Jesus gave us a picture of him and what he loves.
what will I spend my time doing?
What did Jesus spend his time doing?
i'm confused at how this whole book (the Bible) only has four little books about Jesus. I want more details!
I don't know what I'm reading anymore.
I used to know how to read the Bible; I've gotten out of practice.
God, please help me understand what I read.
Holy Spirit, jump of the page at me. Read with me.
Matthew 19.28-29 says:
Jesus said to them, "Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first."
That's the line that's been repeated a little bit to me in the scripture this past week.
The last shall be first, the first shall be last.
That gets confusing if I think about it too long.
But I do want to think about it.
I want some of that holy confusion.
i feel unattractive, too
there was a commercial on tv a while ago showing about a girl with acne who wanted to look beautiful on her wedding day.
it seems like there are a lot of things that grip me pretty easily and make me cry and cry.
even when i'm a bride, will i feel beautiful?
R__ doesn't make me feel beautiful.
K__ never made me feel beautiful until recently. after I broke up with him, you know.
S__ S__ and E__ N__ are the only boys I ever dated that really made me feel beautiful.
They loved the way I looked and the told me so all the time.
i do alot of things to keep the "front" part of my brain busy.
I'm feeling sad again.
It comes in such waves and flashes.
all i can think to do is try to talk myself out of it.
talk myself out of the sad feeling, that is.
I don't know if i'll always have the strength or courage to talk myself up.
i just hear negative in my ears.
no one will ever think you're beautiful.
no one will ever think you're the most important person in their life.
you aren't special to anyone but your parents.
no man will ever find you attractive because you're so hairy and chubby.
you don't smell good usually.
no one thinks i'm important.
why do i believe these lies?
i tried to exercise and i just pulled muscles in my back and had a miserable week because of it.
God's timing is perfect.
Why do I feel like it's never going to happen for me?
I talk myself out of feeling this way at least twice a week.
When will I level out?
I feel so silly and irresponsible with my time.
i sit around feeling sorry for myself far too often.
where is that getting me?
no where no where.
if that's all I do with myself right now, where will i be when that one does come along?
Who will I be?
if i sit around moping, that's all i'm going to become: a moper.
if i sit around and learn and create and make myself a better person.
and learn how to live the way Jesus showed us to live.
in touch with reality.
in touch with reality and God.
God is reality.
in touch with reality.
in touch with God.
Knowing who God is because Jesus gave us a picture of him and what he loves.
what will I spend my time doing?
What did Jesus spend his time doing?
i'm confused at how this whole book (the Bible) only has four little books about Jesus. I want more details!
I don't know what I'm reading anymore.
I used to know how to read the Bible; I've gotten out of practice.
God, please help me understand what I read.
Holy Spirit, jump of the page at me. Read with me.
Matthew 19.28-29 says:
Jesus said to them, "Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first."
That's the line that's been repeated a little bit to me in the scripture this past week.
The last shall be first, the first shall be last.
That gets confusing if I think about it too long.
But I do want to think about it.
I want some of that holy confusion.
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