Just Five Minutes

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I coughed a lot today. I didn't come in from smoking until 7:30. And I woke up coughing. I don't want to do this anymore. But it's all I want to do. 

Five minutes: 

I got a raise today. Super stoked about that. 

I don't think I'm cut out to be in a child's life. I'm much too sensitive about their behavior. I take things personally that I know I shouldn't. [girl child] was supposed to come over tomorrow but now [man friend] says she probably won't if she sleeps late. I think he heard the disappointment in my voice when he told me she wasn't coming. So maybe he will talk her into it. Or let her know I sounded disappointed. But either way, I shouldn't take it personally that she'd rather sleep late than come over. I feel that way a lot. I called her a child - she's 18 now.  

Timer's Done...

I'm digging my space and my peace and my time alone. Rascal has been really bed happy these past weeks. I think she may be ovulating. She gets grumpy and sleepy when that happens. Yes, I should have had her fixed. 

I'm missing Tracey. I miss you, Tracey. 

It comes in waves. I forget and then remember. Over and over. 

I would like him to visit me. 

Five minutes: 

Doesn't matter what I write, just need to keep writing. There are five minutes left on my timer until I can smoke another cigarette. My life has become reduced to counting the minutes between each cigarette. There's not much at stake. I'm sure my friends would argue. It's a dark view, yes? There are records on my wall. I love the records on my wall. I love all the books around. I wish I found reading easier. I love it in theory. I started a new one a few days ago, but I can't seem to make myself keep picking it up. The book isn't bad. I haven't read enough of it to make that kind of judgement. And it's set in Baton Rouge. I like that. A Flicker in the Dark it's called. I don't think book titles are supposed to be italicized, i think they're supposed to be in quotes. I like the italics better. Looks cleaner. I worry about publishing this without an edit. Maybe I'll edit. But I intend to keep it over seven hundred fifty words. Should that have been hyphenated?  

Timer's Done...

Cigarette time!

Wasn't worth it. Am I just addicted to the change of scenery? No, because I could sit out there all night and chain smoke if it wasn't so cold. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight. I'm feeling drowsy now. It's only 8:15. I should be able to last until at least 9. 

Five minutes:

There are so many word possibilities. Endless. Why is it hard to dig them out for this exercise? 

I'm having a hard time watching television lately. It can't keep my attention. I'm having the same problem with crochet and reading. I bet I could play a board game though. I'm really looking for someone to play rummy with. 

Don't stop writing even if the thoughts stop. Sometimes - a lot - my thoughts just hit a brick wall and cease. Is that what writer's block is? I don't think it happens when I'm not trying to write. Let's just think. The music is nice. No typo checking. Just let it happen. There's a robe on my shoulders. It needs to be washed. Like a lot of other things in my house. Maybe I will try to do some laundry tomorrow. If [girl child] comes to hang out, that's something she can help me with for money. 

I wish I could give my attention to a television show or a movie. I just can't sit still long enough. I don't know what's come over me. Is this what ADHD is? 

Julie is seeing a show on Broadway tonight. I'm really excited for her. I hope she loves it and is turned on to musical theater. 

There isn't much time yet but I'm glad. These five minute exercises are kind of tough. But it's a good flex and practice. I'll keep doing them until I get to eight hundred words. 

Timer's Done...

Five minutes:

I had a really good day at work today. Most of my days at work are good. I'm really fortunate to have this wonderful job. It's all thanks to Sarah. She really has been so good to me over the years. I gladly give her my loyalty. I would do anything she asked me to. I would try, at least. I'm not capable of all things. I guess that's obvious; no one is. I tend to backspace and delete nonsense like that but i'm going to leave it in tonight. Doing that whole not editing thing. Actually, I am going to go back and take out the names in a few places. This robe is restrictive as I'm trying to type. I peed my pants a little just now when I coughed. I wonder if I'll order delivery for lunch tomorrow. If I can hold off eating that pasta salad tonight, i can have that for lunch tomorrow. with the rest of that chicken. There are only twenty-three seconds left. Now only eight. That was a great waste of twenty-three seconds. 

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