Delicious.
God wants to bless us, but he cannot while we are living in disobedience. However, now that I've made a terrible mess of my life, after repentance, God can take this mess that I've made and make something beautiful from it. It's amazing the way he does that.
I had it made, right in the palm of God's hand. I had never known anything different. But when college came along with loneliness, I learned I didn't have the faith-roots I thought I did. I wasn't prepared for the feeling of abandonment. So when I met a boy with a beer, a cigarette & a smile, he was a welcome friend that became the starting point for a long trudge through the swamp. I'm only climbing out of it tonight. It will take a while to find all the places that need to be cleaned in my life. Oh, examine me, God; show me where the swamp-water festers so I can give it to you to wash clean.
So there are the sexual sins, those sins that have real staying power, those sins that have truly physical consequences (yes, I caught an STD that I will pass to anyone I sleep with). then there were the drugs and drinking...no more drugs here but I still take a drink. It's not a problem for me right now but I can see how it could definitely become one. And cigarettes. the thing you can do all day long, any time, doesn't change your demeanor or sobriety. tough tough to get rid of. the remnants of the swamp.
The truth is, the STD has caused me to feel like I'm unworthy of any real happiness, that I'm unworthy of being with a good man. I hope that feeling is not a reflection of the truth.
So I hopped out of the protection and providence of God's hand and into the world of flesh and enticement. only to find emptiness, frustration & STDs. And more loneliness. I thought I could build a life for myself that would be perfectly good...like the ones I see on TV. Those lives aren't real. Everyone deals with terrible things, self-inflicted or not. I allow the enemy to convince me that I'm the only one dealing with "trouble." Fooey.
So I ventured out looking for my own "good thing" and got myself into a real mess. Financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically. If there's another -ally to be, I've got that too.
Before my excursion into the secular, my life was so full of promise. I could have worn that white dress. I must remember that there is still a promise on my life. God still has a plan for me. I am still valuable to him and his kingdom. He still loves me. He is unchanging...and thank you, God, for that!
I left the safety of God's hands to attempt to have my temporal physical needs satisfied. God was giving me the opportunity to rely on him for my needs. I'd never really had to do that before. and now, I have no choice. thank you for cornering me! The answers the world has for my needs is never the solution. Only God can/will meet all my needs according to his glorious riches found in Christ. There will never be anything that I need that God won't provide me through Jesus. What a comfort. What a comfort.
When I ran away from the things of God, I felt like he should have chased after me hard. (He did, I just didn't want to see him.) I became bitter and hardened toward him; I felt like I had been abandoned...but I was living in the consequences of the life I had chosen. God cannot bless me when I am living in disobedience.
God knows me through and through. My deepest longings and feelings and thoughts and needs and aspirations and ambitions. Satan knows me pretty well too. While he doesn't know me like the creator does, he certainly has imps on my case who study my every move, every utterance, every glance. Be sure: Satan knows my weaknesses. He knows what pushes my buttons. He knows what makes me cry and what makes me laugh. He works hard at keeping up the knowledge of the things that will cause a rift between me and my Creator. He knows I want a man. And really, just some affection and attention...affirmation that I am lovable. God has been longing to give that to me all alone. But my shallow flesh has been looking for other shallow flesh. I will settle for nothing less than the embrace of righteousness.
"It is not always God's goal to keep us happy or to make our dreams come true." That's hurts, but I believe it. This human experience is chocked full of unhappiness and shattered dreams. Jesus lived his life experiencing moments like these (along with good stuff too). If Jesus had to endure it, why then wouldn't I have to?
Can I really trust God with my heart? With my loneliness?
Does God really have my best interest in mind?
What is God trying to do in my life? With my life?
These words are delicious:
"Come to me, all who are weary & heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Delicious.
I am weary! I need rest! I am being offered rest and NO COST! What's the catch? Intimacy. God wants my intimacy. Well, I want his too. Of course, I want to be intimate with the Creator of the universe. Gentleness. Compassion. The fruits of the spirit. Those are all the the characteristics of God.
Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Self-Control. Gentleness.
There is a person that I'm supposed to become. A person that I will become when I look for affirmation from God instead of people. I will enjoy being that person. Bring it, please.
I had it made, right in the palm of God's hand. I had never known anything different. But when college came along with loneliness, I learned I didn't have the faith-roots I thought I did. I wasn't prepared for the feeling of abandonment. So when I met a boy with a beer, a cigarette & a smile, he was a welcome friend that became the starting point for a long trudge through the swamp. I'm only climbing out of it tonight. It will take a while to find all the places that need to be cleaned in my life. Oh, examine me, God; show me where the swamp-water festers so I can give it to you to wash clean.
So there are the sexual sins, those sins that have real staying power, those sins that have truly physical consequences (yes, I caught an STD that I will pass to anyone I sleep with). then there were the drugs and drinking...no more drugs here but I still take a drink. It's not a problem for me right now but I can see how it could definitely become one. And cigarettes. the thing you can do all day long, any time, doesn't change your demeanor or sobriety. tough tough to get rid of. the remnants of the swamp.
The truth is, the STD has caused me to feel like I'm unworthy of any real happiness, that I'm unworthy of being with a good man. I hope that feeling is not a reflection of the truth.
So I hopped out of the protection and providence of God's hand and into the world of flesh and enticement. only to find emptiness, frustration & STDs. And more loneliness. I thought I could build a life for myself that would be perfectly good...like the ones I see on TV. Those lives aren't real. Everyone deals with terrible things, self-inflicted or not. I allow the enemy to convince me that I'm the only one dealing with "trouble." Fooey.
So I ventured out looking for my own "good thing" and got myself into a real mess. Financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically. If there's another -ally to be, I've got that too.
Before my excursion into the secular, my life was so full of promise. I could have worn that white dress. I must remember that there is still a promise on my life. God still has a plan for me. I am still valuable to him and his kingdom. He still loves me. He is unchanging...and thank you, God, for that!
I left the safety of God's hands to attempt to have my temporal physical needs satisfied. God was giving me the opportunity to rely on him for my needs. I'd never really had to do that before. and now, I have no choice. thank you for cornering me! The answers the world has for my needs is never the solution. Only God can/will meet all my needs according to his glorious riches found in Christ. There will never be anything that I need that God won't provide me through Jesus. What a comfort. What a comfort.
When I ran away from the things of God, I felt like he should have chased after me hard. (He did, I just didn't want to see him.) I became bitter and hardened toward him; I felt like I had been abandoned...but I was living in the consequences of the life I had chosen. God cannot bless me when I am living in disobedience.
God knows me through and through. My deepest longings and feelings and thoughts and needs and aspirations and ambitions. Satan knows me pretty well too. While he doesn't know me like the creator does, he certainly has imps on my case who study my every move, every utterance, every glance. Be sure: Satan knows my weaknesses. He knows what pushes my buttons. He knows what makes me cry and what makes me laugh. He works hard at keeping up the knowledge of the things that will cause a rift between me and my Creator. He knows I want a man. And really, just some affection and attention...affirmation that I am lovable. God has been longing to give that to me all alone. But my shallow flesh has been looking for other shallow flesh. I will settle for nothing less than the embrace of righteousness.
"It is not always God's goal to keep us happy or to make our dreams come true." That's hurts, but I believe it. This human experience is chocked full of unhappiness and shattered dreams. Jesus lived his life experiencing moments like these (along with good stuff too). If Jesus had to endure it, why then wouldn't I have to?
Can I really trust God with my heart? With my loneliness?
Does God really have my best interest in mind?
What is God trying to do in my life? With my life?
These words are delicious:
"Come to me, all who are weary & heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Delicious.
I am weary! I need rest! I am being offered rest and NO COST! What's the catch? Intimacy. God wants my intimacy. Well, I want his too. Of course, I want to be intimate with the Creator of the universe. Gentleness. Compassion. The fruits of the spirit. Those are all the the characteristics of God.
Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Self-Control. Gentleness.
There is a person that I'm supposed to become. A person that I will become when I look for affirmation from God instead of people. I will enjoy being that person. Bring it, please.
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