sugarblast

It was hard to wake up this morning. The alarm was incorporated into my dreams, although I can't tell you the subject matter anymore. I could have this morning. They disappate throughout the day. I was hurting bad enough that I considered not going to work, but I have a loyalty to my team, and I don't want to make them look bad. I want to physically show up as much as I possibly can.  Getting to my desk this morning was a struggle, although I did manage to make it there with a Cookie Butter Cappuccino from the breakroom. With a swirl of caramel sauce on top. If nothing else, that fancy machine has helped much in motivating me to get to the office.  When I had disposable money, I worked through this pain much better.  I scheduled a meeting for 10 AM with a few members of my operations team. I want them to build a tool for me that tracks hours for a job. If this works out well, we'll be able to use it for other jobs and it would be a boone to our project management team. If...

 I set the timer. Here we go. I don't have anything to say. But I have enough of a buzz to try. There's not a topic in mind. I'll just write to fill the time. The timer is running. Running. Ticking. Tocking. I'm using that Reading playlist again. It takes me to a different place. Rascal is on her dog bed. There's a weed tooter between my boobs. Nestled in my cleavage. I have a glass of red wine beside me. If I want to smoke a cigarette, I will have to roll some. I'm all out. I'll let this first five minutes be this train of thought word vomit. Tomorrow I want to meet with Nick about recently updated work instructions so we can use some of the updates for Workshop Wednesday. The peer review checklist may need to be mentioned in the catalog cuts work instruction. I may just slip it in there without getting widespread approval. I'm sure that will be fine. I've been doing better at capitalization. I'm gonna roll those cigarettes now.  I have a date t...

Today has been a nothing day. I was anxious to write a few minutes ago but things turned around in a hurry. Now that I have the laptop, I've lost my inspiration. I feel like a sad sack all of a sudden. I want to be existential, talk about deep things. Not shallowness or pop culture. None of my thoughts are like I want them right now.  Maybe that's the thing: I get to choose what I think about.  My friends. That's what I chose. I don't think that's a bad call. Just did a quick check in with a few  of them. I want to invest in my friendships more. The ones that are valuable to me. Let go of all these shallow relationships.  Timer started. Cigarette lit. Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg on the speaker. I still like the radio. Keeps me on my toes. We've gotten musically spoiled where we can curate what we want in our ears, skip when something offends. With the radio, you gotta take what you're given.  Keep pushing through the timer. There are more things to say. If a ge...

I coughed a lot today. I didn't come in from smoking until 7:30. And I woke up coughing. I don't want to do this anymore. But it's all I want to do.  Five minutes:  I got a raise today. Super stoked about that.  I don't think I'm cut out to be in a child's life. I'm much too sensitive about their behavior. I take things personally that I know I shouldn't. [girl child] was supposed to come over tomorrow but now [man friend] says she probably won't if she sleeps late. I think he heard the disappointment in my voice when he told me she wasn't coming. So maybe he will talk her into it. Or let her know I sounded disappointed. But either way, I shouldn't take it personally that she'd rather sleep late than come over. I feel that way a lot. I called her a child - she's 18 now.   Timer's Done... I'm digging my space and my peace and my time alone. Rascal has been really bed happy these past weeks. I think she may be ovulating. She get...

If I had a teenager, I hope I would be the kind of parent that would say "yes" to a board game every time.  It never gets old, playing a board game with your family. I do it with my parents still. And with my cousins and aunts and uncles. Sometimes with my friends.  Tonight, for the first time maybe, I felt good here in my house alone. There's a reading playlist playing (light classical piano type stuff), I'm smoking a little weed, I have a glass of wine. I'm trying to read a book, although, I'm admittedly distracted by my contentment.  The Cigarette Case I'm with you most of the time. I know you like be because of my plastic blue jewel, but i'm classy just the same. I make you feel like you're a flapper from the twenties, frequenting speakeasys and discovering cocaine.  There's no one else I'd rather be with, you know. You take a lot of pride in me and I feel that. I have a place of honor in your life and your routine.  But there will come...

 No rushing / no fixing / no censoring There is a truth about me that I keep circling, but I haven't let myself land on yet.  I need to do laundry if I want to have pants to wear tomorrow.  If I were sitting here with no laptop, I would be thinking all sorts of abstract thoughts to jot down. But now that I have an outlet to drop thoughts, I think stupid things like, "my sweater is purple." Leah is studying the Bible again. I'm a little jealous only because it was so fun to take notes and fill a notebook with inspiration and tears and stuff. that's what i'm trying to do here. just need a kickstart.  The prompt (above in italics) makes me think of Dumbo and the Secret of NIMH and the Guardians of Ga'hoole. Owls. and flying elephants. Let's see about owls. they're in the running for a tattoo.  Owls are dualistic figures, symbolizing wisdom, prophecy, and  divine messengers  (like with Greek goddess Athena) but also death, witchcraft, and bad omens in ...

Write from the body, not the brain:   my body feels empty, alone. i hate that negative words are my instinct.  I am neither empty nor alone.  i do feel as if i'm atrophying and need flex this muscle. Writing, I mean.  i don't care if i'm good at it.  my mind feels foggy and hazy. i'm often in a fog of pain. it feels like a fog. i'm pretty adjusted to it, but sometimes the fog gets too thick. makes it so functioning normally is difficult.  I'd love a word counter feature on this blogger.  Is anyone reading blogs anymore? Sometimes i have thoughts worth saving but i can't get to a scribe quickly enough.  All i want to do is smoke. I just put out a cigarette so i could type with both hands and i immediately want to light another one.  I can feel my legs tingling tonight. I did take several hits off a pipe. I should take another. Maybe it's making me feel good. It's hard to tell.  The Unsent Letter The prompt is telling me to write a letter ...

 Starting again. Another year has passed and I've stopped writing like I should. I've been reading and as you know, when I read, it makes me fancy myself a writer.  I've been having a lot of anxiety about getting my house clean. My friends are going to come help me but they'll end up throwing away things I want to keep. I know that will happen. Things I don't even remember that I have. So do those things really matter? Of course not.  A friend is in the extra room clearing out some of the screen printing stuff. I'm so grateful for that.  ChatGPT is something that's really changing things. I asked for writing prompts and it gave me lots of good ones. I tried reading some with my guy last night and it surprisingly started a fight. Which turned into a therapy session. Which turned into my asking him to start spending more time at home. We need a little space from one another.  Here's a prompt I like:  Imagine you are sitting across from your "shadow se...

 If I'm going to write, i'm going to write here. i've been doing the 750words.com thing, but i can transfer over. i want to be able to post and index things. i'll admit that most days i don't have a ton to write about and i just blather on. but i could suss out some stuff maybe.  i want to write about how my life has changed since these last posts. August of 2009 was the last time i wrote here. so much has happened. I started too late today to really get into anything, but I don't think I'm gonna be mad about short posts. But I'll try to keep it to no more than one a day.  I can't believe it's been fifteen years since i last wrote here. the changes i've been through are significant. maybe i'll write about them here. maybe i can explore all those changes by reading through some of my old posts. Don't think for a moment that this is the only dusty blog under my belt. i've got several i could go through. i suppose i need round them a...

For a long time, I've believed that it was good to question your faith, because that's how you know you really believe it and you were just blindly swallowing whatever is fed to you. I suppose I still believe that to a degree. But I just read something about Eve that is making me rethink that... ...when Satan showed up in the garden, he started presenting Eve with ideas she'd never considered before. She didn't need to do all that. The relationships she had with God and Adam were perfect. She was Adam's counterpart and submissive to him. They were in perfect communion with God, their creator. Satan lied to her and told her that her life would be so much fuller if she had these things other things...he promised her happiness, made her believe he had her best interest at heart. I know I've believed that lie before. I repent of it.

Hannah felt sad because she hadn’t become pregnant. She felt inadequate as a wife and as a woman in general. She was mocked because of her barrenness but her husband loved her in spite of it. At the peak of her grief, she cried before God, telling him that if he would allow her to become pregnant, she would dedicate the life of the child to the ministry. So here’s barren Hannah, begging God to allow her to have a child. But why? I think that I would be sad to give away the child I’d begged for. If Hannah had been having children all along, she would have never offered to dedicate the life of her miracle baby to ministry. I think that’s why God allowed the barrenness. Is that why I’m alone right now? I certainly can relate with Hannah. Not because I don’t have children, but because I don’t have a partner. Everyone around me is marrying and building families. It makes me very sad that I’m still all alone. But is God creating a rock-bottom for me to hit, so I will de...

so sad. so lonely. i just wanna get it all out of me. who can I cry to? who cares how I feel inside? it aches. it burns. when will this feeling end? when did it begin? how long have I been choking this feeling down. the longer I choke it down, the longer it will be until I can get rid of it. i never want to be the girl who has to have a pity party, but it looks like I can't avoid it. I don't have anyone to hold me, anyone to care. I miss Kevin. I

Lord, please help me not to be distracted right now. Give me 20 minutes at the very least. There are these secret chambers to my heart. I've been blocking the entranceways with furniture so no one can get in there an see what's going on. And in the meantime, everything in those chambers is rotting and rusting and growing more and more

So having said all that, what the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with all these guys? It's heartbreaking. I'm heartbroken that I'm still alone, still living with my parents, still looking for meaningless affection to numb some of the loneliness. I am upset about the hippie, but only because I really thought that something good was going to happen with us. I thought I was getting close to the real thing. Things are so tricky. Just when I thought I'd found a soul mate, I'd really just found a nut job. I don't wanna go on and on about what was wrong with him. He just wasn't the one for me. There's only one guy for me. Where is he?!

Alright, so the hippie sucked after all. The date we had planned was canceled inadvertently. I won't get into the details of what went down (mainly because I don't understand what the problem was), but there was some breakdown in our conversations that was just impassable. He liked to talk a lot about his ideals and principles and beliefs. You know, I have ideals and principles and beliefs too, but I just live them. I don't have to constantly spout about them so people know where I stand. Kind of ridiculous. And even with all his righteousness, he didn't seem to understand much about forgiveness or love or kindness. He talked all about how when someone crossed him, he was done with them forever. Or if someone made a racist comment in front of him, then he was done with him forever. He's going to have a very lonely life, isn't he? I don't want any part of it. I'm glad our little tizzy only lasted for 3 days.

I feel like a cliché . But I met someone. We talked until 2:30a last night about music...and a few other things. I can't wait to talk to him again. He's a hippie. I'd rather sit in a bar full of strangers and act a fool than stay home and deal with my demons.

The more I have opportunities for one night stands, the more I realize I'm no longer interested in casual relationships. I don't think I ever was actually. I just always hoped that the casual relationship would turn into something permanent. I've had opportunities to kiss 3 different boys this week and I didn't do it. And that's not like me. But one of them is Ernie and I want to kiss him so badly. But I don't want to just fool around with him. I want something real with someone. I know that Ernie obviously is not the one (he is irresistible, though). So I'm just lonely and my life is changing and I'm "figuring out who I am." I'm tired. I will just enjoy getting to know myself. I do like me.

I've been going to the bar alot of nights a week. For the social scene, right? That's one thing. It's not the being drunk that I like so much. I just want to talk to people and make new friends. I'm looking for love, is really what it boils down to. But I'm not finding anything. The moment you stop looking...really stop looking...is when it happens for you. I'm about to go crazy with all this. I want to stop looking, stop thinking about this but I just can't arrange my head correctly.

I could fall in love with him so quickly. His touch is so good, so attentive. And our signs are completely compatible. Apparently, Gemini's perfect matches are Libras and Aquariuses. He's a Libra. This is what the zodiac compatibility thing says: Gemini and Libra love compatibility These two air signs are well suited intellectually and every other way. It is difficult for the representatives of both signs to control their passions. If love makes this world spinning around then this couple gives an initial push for it. This is an ideal partnership. Both favor similar changes of interests. In the case of this pair, Libra is the judge and Gemini is the responsive jury in the nuptial courthouse. The combination's intellectual and artistic interests are compatible. Both sides of the Gemini nature will be under stood by the Libra. Both of them are passionate and nobody is too jealous at the same time . They characters have a lot in common , and they perfectly understand eac...

Alright, what the hell. I told him I was looking to get serious and settle down. And he said he didn't want to do that right now. And I knew that. And then tonight he asked me for my e-mail address. And i told him Tootsie said hi. and he said hi back. And I said she liked that. And then I said "and I like you" and then he said "i like you too...I'm trying to send you an e-mail. Can you check it?" and i said I could in 20 minutes, i'm on my way home. And when I got home, there was no e-mail. it didn't go through or he didn't send it or something. But I'm dying to know what he has to say. He can't stop thinking about me, right? I think too much. And I want him so badly.